


How to seduce your very own Spiderminx

by merycula (thanksillpass)



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-04
Updated: 2014-04-04
Packaged: 2018-01-18 03:25:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1413295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanksillpass/pseuds/merycula
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade has special ways to convey his feelings</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to seduce your very own Spiderminx

  * Stage 1: Pick-up lines



Wade grinned, unable to believe his luck. He found Spider-Man in only half an hour! He knew following screams and smoke was a good idea! Spidey was currently lying on his back and groaning in pain after being thrown off the building by some silly super-villain. Wade bent down and waved.

_Quick, while we still have his attention!_

**Do the one with falling from heaven!**

“Hiya, Spidey! Did it hurt?”

Spider-Man groaned again as he tried to get up. Wade even offered him his hand but it was swatted off ungratefully. Well, Wade always respected a man’s pride.

“Of  _course_  it hurt, you idiot! Now if you’re not gonna help me deal with this shmuck, get outta my way!”

**Yeah… that didn’t go well.**

_Told you you shouldn’t make the dramatic pause…_

“Oh, screw you…”

“Screw  _you,_  asshole!” Spidey squawked indignantly.

He pushed Wade away, slinging his web somewhere behind him and the he was gone. Oh well, there was always tomorrow.

  * Stage 2: Gifts



Wade grabbed Spidey’s elbow and ignored his protests as he dragged him along. Well, until Spidey simply overpowered him and almost ripped his arm off.

“What the hell, Wade?!”

“Oh come on, baby boy, I have something for you! I was just going to show it to you! Don’t play hard to get.”

Spider-Man frowned and seemed to consider. Finally, he nodded and motioned for Wade to lead the way.

“I can’t trust you enough not to check it. I can’t be sure you didn’t get me a T-Rex…”

“You wound me, Spidey! Don’t worry, you’re gonna love it!”

Spidey didn’t seem convinced, but Wade knew he would change his mind once he saw what Wade got for him. He was so excited his hands shook as he was trying to open the door to the magazine so he just shoot the lock off. When they walked inside, Spidey let out a surprised shout.

“You idiot! What is an unconscious J.J. Jameson doing tied to a chair?!”

“Well, he always talks shit about you so I thought you would appreciate it.”

“Well, I don’t! Are you trying to ruin me? If he wakes up and sees me, I’m never gonna hear the end of it! I won’t be a menace anymore, I’ll be a criminal! An actual criminal!”

Wade watched as Spider-Man walked circles, wringing his hands. “I figured we kill him and he won’t tell anyone.”

Spidey basically squeaked. “Are you  _insane_?! We’re not killing him! Help me get him out of here or get lost!”

Wade sighed deeply as Spidey moved to untie Jameson. So he didn’t exactly like the present. Well, it was the thought that counted, right?

  * Stage 3: Bargain



Wade spotted Spider-Man patrolling the streets from the rooftop and resisted making fun of his Batmanish tendencies. He needed to play that one out very carefully; Spidey was even more hard to get than Wade initially assumed. He politely announced his presence before taking the fucking elevator – that was proper courting!

“What do you want this time?” Spidey snapped.

Wade smiled brightly, unfazed. “You know I love me some good company!”

“A remarkable coincidence, me too! That’s why I would like you to go.”

_Guys, I think it’s time we took a hint…_

“Shush. So Spidey, I was thinking. I am very bored tonight. And you know how I get when I’m bored. Maiming, torturing, killing, right? So maybe we’ll hang out tonight, you know, so you can keep an eye on me and make sure I won’t do anything naughty? Unless you want me to get naughty, I’m down for that-”

Before Wade could even finish the thought, Spidey webbed his mouth shut and promptly kicked him to the ground. With several swift moves of his wrists, which made Wade’s mind go to a very happy place, Wade was immobilized against the wall. Spidey stood in front of him with his arms crossed for a moment, admiring his handiwork. Then he scoffed and walked away.

_*hint hint*_

**Oh, stfu!**

  * Stage 4:  ~~Kidnapping~~  Direct approach



Wade really didn’t want to do that, but his creativity only went that far. Ambushing Spider-Man and kidnapping him was probably one of his less bright ideas, but beggars couldn’t be choosers. He was a ninja, he could totally pull it off!

_He has Spidey-sense you know…_

Wade ignored the white box and jumped right down on Spider-Man. Who took as well-timed step back and, before Wade knew it, was hovering over him with a disgusted expression while Wade was rubbing his bum.

“I have Spidey-sense, you know.”

_Told you._

Wade got up and faced Spidey, whipping out his katanas.

“You really want to do this? How many times exactly did I kick your ass already?”

**That’s just uncalled for!**

“Sorry, Spidey, no other choice. You constantly refuse to go on a date with me so I need to kidnap you on one!”

Spider blinked slowly before dropping his face in his hands. “A date? That’s what you’ve been trying to do these past weeks? You suck at this even more than I do!”

Wade huffed, offended. “I have… unorthodox courting methods!”

“Unorthodox, yeah! You can say that again! I thought you were trying to: a) mock me, b) put me in jail, c) terrorize the city, and d) kill me. Can you see where I’m going with this?”

“Well…”

Spidey sighed. “I’m just gonna walk away, Wade. Bye.”

And walk away he did. Wade pouted for a moment and shrugged. There was always tomorrow! 


End file.
